So the Lord has been leading me to read Ephesians lately, and in my usual procrastinating way it took me about 3 weeks to finally read it.
While I was reading it today, I felt the Lord showing me or highlighting the part of Eph 4:31 ‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice.’
Now why would the Lord show me that? In the week He showed me another person speaking on ‘The root of bitterness’. At that time I felt the Lord tug on my heart; there is some root of bitterness I have not dealt with, in regards to my family.
Now the situation with my family is that I had multiple reasons to be angry with the life I should have had compared to how things really did turn out for me, so I’ve always thought. My family, my parents, made many mistakes leaving us as a family in very awful situations, in which, I thought I have the right to write about them. I mean, I didn’t want to shame anyone, I would write under a pen name so that no one would know who this family was or where we came from. But, the reality is, the bitterness held up in me needs to be emptied.
Ephesians 4:32 ‘Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.’ The antidote to the bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, and malice I have in my heart.
My thoughts of “doesn’t someone need to know what I went through… what I felt… how their lack of judgment, wisdom, or any adult thought-life ruined my life, left me in situations young people should never have been left? What should have happened, where I should have gone to school, studied and the problems I encountered in my life that could have been avoided if I’d had parents who took care of me? Don’t I have the right to tell the world about how some parents who seemingly aren’t doing the best for their families are, actually letting their children down, neglecting them, sometimes knowingly not doing their best for them? Or is this just self-pity in disguise?
Forget the former things
Well, I still can’t tell, but I now feel the Lord is leading me back to Isaiah 43:18-21
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
20 The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,
21 the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise.”
So this is the 2nd time this week that get rid of bitterness has come up, only when writing it here I realised I have rage and anger at times and I guess the way I speak to my husband sometimes is brawling and at times slander is the way I speak about other people.
Wow, what a terrible revelation, I guess at times I justify myself by saying if I only get angry at home, if I only speak to my hubby unkindly at home then it’s ok, it doesn’t matter, but that means those things are harboured in my heart and shouldn’t I be cultivating my heart attitude at home with the ones who matter most?
God HELP ME! Please God HELP ME! Show me the root of the issues in my heart so I can change it and be pure in Your sight and no longer hurt my wonderful husband and cause my children to speak or hear any unkindness from me or slander about others.
Ephesians 4:29-30 ‘Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.’
God showed me that my feeling unimportant and never enough is half the reason I fight with my husband, that I actually have to get my fulfilment in Him, order to be the wife, and then… the mom, I want to be. I need to be full of You first and then I will overflow into being a woman who will be kind and compassionate forgiving, just as You forgave me, with no unwholesome talk leaving my lips – self controlled by You, which I desperately need, and only saying that which is helpful for building others up according to their needs to benefit those who listen.”
I ended up saying God heal me please, on the inside, I hurt so deeply, I don’t even know where it is and I’ve even denied that I hurt anymore, but, I hurt in such a way that it doesn’t feel like I hurt anymore, I hurt in such a way that I have taken it on as part of who I am. This is what I want to change Lord. Please help me be who You want me to be… holy, acceptable, pleasing and not wanting anything, being the woman of God You have called me to be.
Show me that I’m good enough, show me that I’m precious enough, show me that I’m your special one. Do Your open-heart surgery God, PLEASE, renew a right spirit in me but also a whole me, put me back together the way You made me to be. (Holy Spirit You are welcome here)
Now in spending sometime with the Lord, allowing Him to work on my heart. I asked Him to show me some examples of how I am good enough. This may sound vain to you, as it is certainly not something I would normally do, but I felt that given the circumstances, of not knowing I felt undervalued, this was a necessary opposite of my normal thought process. God wants us to know we are well-loved, well taken care of, well thought of by Him, Almighty God and if He can see good in us why would He not want us to see our own good in order to be the blessing someone else needs today to see Him in His full glory, Amen??
What an incredibly personal journey, ask the Lord to show you some examples of how you are good enough. You will be surprised to find that He wants to show you where you have gone right, unlike us who are so fallen, we can only think of where we and everyone else went wrong.
Trauma comes flooding back
The Lord has been saying to me “Let go of the past, forget the former things,” but then the things that have happened to me as a result of what my family’s trauma has done to me come flooding back to my mind, and the shape and effect it had on my mind and life starts to replay itself in my mind… But, God, You are telling me to let go of the thoughts, that this shouldn’t have happened, and let go of the memories of what happened. Unless I let that go, I cannot move forward to the life I want to have in You, no matter how devastating, no matter how I wish for an apology, or a re-do… that part of my life is done. Thank You Lord!
I must give it over to You, Lord, but keep my eyes on the goal of reaching You with others like my family in-tow, we must journey together to You, I can’t hold the past against them, I must move forward towards the end goal of “Well done, my good and faithful servant” and I can’t if I don’t let it go, no matter how painful and how badly they’ve ruined my life as a result of the actions that I suffered the consequences of, I must leave them (the consequences and the people, fallen as am I) at Your feet.
Please help me do that Lord… I need You so much in this!
I pray for you, dear reader, and me, especially me, as I am the most fallen of all! I pray Lord that You would clear our minds of our past. The past mistakes we’ve had to endure as a result of other peoples choices for us and towards us, but also our own mistakes and choices that were not the best, or Your best for us. Teach us to hear Your voice, still and small, gentle and marvellous! Help us to love You and Your presence more daily. In Jesus Mighty Name Amen!