Family Mess/my mess

Ok, so great confession time. This week I have been feeling like a mess! My life’s a mess, home doesn’t run the way ‘a home should’ and it feels like family life is a mess.

Wind back to the beginning of the week, last Sunday, I realised I am missing something in my relationship with my Lord. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t fully surrender, but I feel like there’s a part of my relationship that’s not going deeper.

So, I decided to ask God, what can I do? I felt that I must submit it to God and fast meat for the week and ask the Lord to show me what’s happening.

Not sure if it works the same with everyone, but usually with me, the Lord shows me after my fast what I have been asking in the time of the fast.

Yesterday, during worship at church the Lord showed me that I was with-holding a very intimate pain from Him. I have been intimately, deeply hurt as a very young child and the Lord showed me that instead of surrendering that to Him, I have been hiding those times from Him. Instead of allowing Him in to show me where He was at that time, how He sees that time and how He relates and related to me at that time. I shun those thoughts from my mind and tell myself to separate that from my ‘redeemed’ self. As if with the knowledge of that pain, I am unredeemable, and need to shut it off in order to come to Him.

In my denying that pain, shutting off the inner-most hurt and need of my life I am unable to surrender my entire self to Him. I asked the Lord to reveal to me how I can allow Him in.

I asked the Lord to please come in and, even though it hurt like re-living those experiences, I asked the Lord to come in and hold me during those events in my memory. I asked the Lord to show me where He was during that time in my life. I know I may never have the answers to these questions, I live with the fact that the Lord wants to know, He, perfect, loving, intimate Father wants to come in and hold me, comfort and support me through, even though these things happened. He wouldn’t have allowed them, but man has free-will, he wouldn’t have allowed them, but there were people in my life who should have protected me and never did. He wouldn’t have allowed it, but we live in a fallen world with fallen people practicing and perpetrating their wicked intentions on those around them.

… so I don’t ask why anymore, many years ago now, I stopped, I grappled with it for many years… the only answer I have is who God is…

THE GOOD FATHER – all others are human

THE BEST FRIEND – all others are human

THE ALPHA AND OMEGA – He was with us in our time of pain, even though we didn’t see Him there at the time, we were too focused/possibly could only focus on the pain, it hurt so much… He is with us now, when we still have to live in that pain… but the good news is while we are here, and were there, He is both here and there at the same time, right now He lives here and there. What does that mean? While He is here holding us through this pain, He is currently there, back at that time, where the pain occurred and He is able to walk us through that time, redeeming that time, because He is perfect while here and simultaneously there. (This concept might need a book…) He redeems us now, while walking us through there… and redeems us there, while walking us through the pain now.

HE IS ALWAYS AND WILL ALWAYS BE LOVE – he will never hurt us and while walking us painfully through the pain in our lives He doesn’t allow new hurt, He doesn’t allow new pain, HE RESTORES FULLY!

Why is this a mess and what does it have to do with family?

This is a mess inside of me, it affects the way I see the world. So, my dear family, who I love, appreciate and couldn’t get through the day without, they get the brunt end of my mess. When life gets (best word for this is in Afrikaans) ingewikkeld (loosely translated, involved and intertwined within one another) we feel that these people are getting into the busy parts of our day, ‘under our feet’ while cooking etc… we see this as ‘family mess’ while in actual fact, and (this is my opinion since this morning) it is actually my mess – hiding from my inner-most pain, that keeps me from enjoying the ingewikkeld-ness of family life and calling it a mess – while in actual fact my mess is getting in the way of the healthy way my family and I should relate to and interact with each other.

I like to think of it like these beautiful aloes we love to grow, they have no rules, no limits, all branches grow into and out of, around, through within and from each other, without care or concern of direction, touching one another. This is the true essence of family, not mess, but ingewikkeld-ness.