My 6 and a half hours as a stroke patient

Half a day as a critical patient

Today I’d like to tell you about my 6 and a half hours as a stroke patient. Slightly cryptic but I don’t want to give it away so bear with me, please!

Blinded while shopping with my kids

So the week went off quite normally, Monday – kids to school, me to work, kids home, homework, same on Tuesday, no problems, the week’s off to a good start, nothing unusual everyone is getting along and things are looking up at work.

Enter Wednesday, same thing, the day gets off to a relatively uneventful start and all goes well while my daughter plays her first hockey match as a goalie with the full kit; she is so excited and we are so proud of her we could burst! So, we go naturally off to the shop and get a few groceries.

As I enter the shop I’m seeing some flashes before my eyes that feel like I’ve been looking at the sun too long. I ignore it and carry on trying to push through the strange sense that it’s getting worse. It seems to clear only to come back, completely blinding my right eye.

I calmly tell my kids, ok kids, mom can’t see out of my one eye. We need 2 more things then we can pay and go to the car. My daughter the wonderful organiser that she is with an in-depth love of the Lord and leading of the Holy Spirit, at age 9, says right mom, I got this and proceeds to walk us, brother in trolley to the groceries we need and till point, then straight to the car.

I get to the car, trying to think through the strange experience and message my hubby the following words:

“Hi babe i’m readfy srignibg not able see mysight noy good n head toocopinh really difficult to see notsurewhats wrobg siiting in car for a niutehhope it gets better” As I sent the message the phone rang, naturally my hubby was disturbed, calling to see what was wrong, we were both convinced we had picked up some sort of virus as we were not feeling great all week.

I said Ok, I’ll sleep for 10minutes in the car while the kids read a book. When I woke up I could see. All I cared about was that I could see and needed to get myself and kids home urgently. Ok guys put your belts on we’re leaving. Even though I was somewhat disorientated I knew I could drive and needed to, before something else happened.

Once home my hubby organised supper, kids and everything else and I fell asleep on my bed waking up the next morning. Before I slept I messaged my friend who has a 24hour intercessory prayer group. I said please pray for me I don’t know what’s going on. They started praying then already.

My 6 and a half hours as a stroke patient

Next morning, as my hubby was unwell and had done everything the night before I took the kids to school. Meanwhile, I had had the most debilitating headache all night and felt like I was lifting lead all morning while trying to move my arms and legs. I kept telling myself even if they get to school late, at least they’re there and my hubby needs his rest. I’d go to the nurse as I definitely have some sort of bug.

School went fine and I went to the nurse, she looked very concerned, I explained my head felt like it was in a vice grip all night, subsided around 5 or 6 that morning only, even after meds. I had pain all down my right hand-side and arm, blinded in my right eye, numb all down the right side of my face and neck and pain in my chest and heavy feeling in my legs and arms.

After checking all my vitals she used the words I never thought I’d hear concerning myself… she actually said I think you’ve had some sort of stroke.

It wasn’t slow, it wasn’t slight or gradual, it was instant, the cold sweat that took over my whole body, I began to shiver and feel freezing cold and clammy all at that instant.

Then the next words that came out I think were worse. She said you are going to have to book yourself into hospital with this referral letter and she started very kindly but very factually telling me what and how and where to go and “keep the paperwork with you, don’t let them take it, you need it to give it to the doctors that need to see you…” on and on went the words, I could hear and understand them but they weren’t for me, she was telling me stuff I needed to know to tell the doctor, which i had no doubt I would remember when the time came, but it wasn’t about me, it was about another patient that was needing to go instantly into the hospital because they had had a life-threatening occurrence… that wasn’t me. I was fit, healthy and currently working on my weight issue.

God intervened

As always, in my life and the lives of those closely knitted into and related to Him, God Almighty intervened! While the nurse was talking I hurriedly sent a message to my hubby and said something like: I’ve had some sort of stroke and need to go to hospital urgently with the documentation. He, again, awesome man that he is, immediately called me to discuss the options, because as self-employed individuals, we have no medical aid.

By God’s enormous grace he has clients at the hospital and called them to arrange they see me and to have the lesser scan and not the R 10 000 scan, but that they will be able to ascertain all the issues from that one too.

Great I start driving there and message my friend with the prayer group, this is serious, it’s urgent, I need prayer, all the prayer I can get.

Then… silence. The car is silent. My mind is, in the aftermath of the enormous pain from the day before and suddenly this is when it always hits home for me, in the aftermath, after the hype after the shock… no, I was still in shock. I was a stroke patient. 39years old, relatively active all day with my kids, not eating too well, but man, not eating so badly that I could kill myself!

God, what is going on here? Lord, what are you doing here? (I’m not blaming the Lord here, I’m just trying to figure out, where is He, because I know, personally, from everything I’ve ever experienced, and man that’s a lot! He is always with me, He is always in control, He is always Sovereign, He is always good, very, very, good. This is simply my way of saying, this is happening, where are you, what are your plans, what should I do, where do You want me in all of this?) Lord, I find myself saying, Lord, I have kids, they are young, I have a lot to accomplish. Where do You want me in all of this? I am going to this hospital now, I am going alone, is there someone I should phone? Is there someone that can come with me. I am entering uncharted territory here? “No, I am with you, you are not alone.”I didn’t hear the Lords words audibly but I felt He was with me, my Lord and my Saviour, never leaves me alone, just as He has promised in His word, and I had instant peace. I was going to be ok, even if this awful thing did happen to me, here I was driving my car, with all my faculties in tact and… wait a minute, how do I know all my faculties are in tact. If I’d had a stroke, surely I wouldn’t know if all my faculties were in tact or not?  Again, I felt the Lord’s hand on my heart and mind assuring me that I would be fine.

Hospital alone

Somehow I calmly managed to drive myself very slowly to the hospital. Once there I asked my way around and found myself at a desk with very compassionate, friendly and helpful ladies, full of questions and enquiries… tears came streaming down my face with no explanation, no warning, no feeling of being overwhelmed to warn me i just sprung a leak, in the words of my father. With my documents in hand she instructed me to take a seat and she would call me if she needed me, only I must fill out the forms for the tests…. total disbelief filled my heart and mind.

I’m sure I never would have dreamt this would happen to me, but in the back of my mind I had the vision of if something drastic ever had to happen to me I would be surrounded by loving, caring, family and friends. Here I sat. There was something about it. Sobering, heart-breaking and I didn’t want to disturb my husband who already had a day of work to accomplish and now I was adding extra doctors bills to our overstretched budget.

Through tears, eyes that were already blurred from the headache and blindness from the day before, I filled out the form and somehow sent a message to my hubby that I needed him. To which he responded he was nearly there!!

Mrs King. They called. I went in. It seemed like ages between my seat and the door where the young lady stood, perhaps i was trying to delay my arrival hoping my hubby would appear, miraculously, at that moment. Cold, clinical room, strange apparatus and I’m alone… until on the machines bed I hear “close your eyes”. No, it’s not the operator, is it You Lord,? “yes, close your eyes, don’t think about anything, I am with you,”I sigh, absolute relief and peace once again, flow over my entire being, I can do this. She says we are going to do this 3 times so just keep still. The platform I am lying on rises slowly and I get slid slowly into and out of a strange circular machine which surrounds my entire head. I am aware of what is happening, but keep my eyes shut the entire time. I feel the words coming from inside my chest or is it my stomach. (This may seem cliche to some but this is my favourite Psalm of all time. Funny the first part doesn’t even enter my mind.) “Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Though art with me, Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.” Again and again these words keep coming from deep within me, they are not coming from my mind but my innermost being. I only counted 2 entries into the machine and thought I’d done something wrong as the young lady came into the room and said we’re done.

Just like that they handed me my paperwork, charged me an enormous amount of money and let me go home. No questions about what I’m going to do now, no questions of whether I have a doctor that can explain the tests to me or anything like that, just good bye and make sure you settle your bill, ma’am.

Zero Answers, Doctors for 2 days

Well, I’m stunned, by now my hubby has arrived and we’re both as stunned as the other with no explanation as to what just happened, no solutions on how to find out, nothing, now what?

I call the nurse, she can’t make head or tail of the scan only to say somethings don’t match up.

Next, I fetch my kids who would subsequently spend the entire day at the doctor waiting for some sort of answers. I see my doctor who happens to be an old army doctor so he has some hands on experience with many areas of treatment.

He examines me and eventually sits on the bed next to me and says “Don’t worry my dear, everything will be alright” You have kidney and bladder infection in both your kidneys and your bladder very badly, he says, you have an ulcer, you have chronic sinusitis and spasms all through your back, your blood pressure is higher than normal but stable and your heart is beating erratically. You are clearly under a lot of stress, but your brain is fine. I ask him to check my scan due to the abnormalities we see in the pictures, he is happy they are all minor things.

But what caused the blindness is still a concern, so he immediately books me into the eye surgeon for testing. It’s now 4pm, my kids have been with me at the doctor for 2 hours. We go to the specialist, make arrangements, make arrangements for snacks, and come back, they do a barrage of tests and say I must come back in the morning for more testing.

Once home, the eye specialist calls me to tell me that he thinks a clot too small to stop my arteries could have gone in behind my eye, he is going to test for that in the morning and if he finds it I will have to go to the cardiologist for a full workup. If not, he will send me to the neurologist for testing my eyes and why I went blind.
Longest story short, I spent the entire next day unable to see due to the drops I had to take for the testing only to find that my vision was perfect, my peripheral vision was back I had had no clot in my eye that they can see and I don’t need to see the neurologist!

God’s words to me

The next morning I woke up early to spend time with the Lord and He sent me to the following scripture:

Isaiah 43

‘When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.’

The Lord doesn’t cause these events, but I can testify that in every scarry and unpredictable event of my life He has been there and brought me through, carried me to complete healing and His Almighty hand has never left me.

Praise God, after what could have been the most debilitating experience of my life, He spared me.



God is a Consuming Fire

What does it mean to me that my God is a Consuming Fire?

Definition: – to destroy, (as by fire); to waste or burn away

Deut 4:24 ‘For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.’

Deut 9:3 ‘But be assured today that the Lord your God is the one who goes ahead of you like a devouring fire. He will destroy them; He will subdue them before you. And you will drive them out and annihilate them quickly, as the Lord has promised you.’

Ex15:7 ‘In the greatness of your majesty you threw down those who opposed you. You unleashed Your burning anger; it consumed them like stubble.’

Ex 24:17 ‘To the Israelites the glory of the Lord looked like a consuming fire on top of the mountain.’

Ps 69:9 ‘for zeal for Your house consumes me, and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.’

Jn 2:17 His disciples remembered that it is written: “Zeal for Your house will consume me.”

Heb 12:29 ‘For our God is a consuming fire.’

In the last few weeks I have been considering what it means to me that the Lord is a consuming fire.

I mean I love the fact, I love being taken up into the arms of my Father and for that time nothing else in the world matters… none exists except the time between Him and me, absolute bliss, Him whispering sweetly into my innermost being and me feeling absolute love and acceptance, there is no space and time like this and no one can ever take those experiences and intimate moments from you. One of the reasons I find it so important for our children to sing with us at church is for them to experience that intimacy with us and the beautiful part is how they come and show intimate affection to my hubby and I while we worship and they feel and accept the intimate touch of the Holy Spirit and I try never to miss an opportunity to remind them the love they are feeling is the dearest touch of the Living God coming into their hearts by our wonderful friend and Counsellor, the Holy Spirit. I digress…

While driving in the car this week a lady was explaining on the radio her near death experience and that she had been in a place of almost nothing-ness and yet experienced the awesome all-consuming love of God. She knew if she didn’t come back her family would miss her, but God would take care of them, she knew that she would be with Him forever and when they came they would be there with Him too, understanding and knowing what she did and that she couldn’t leave there. She had no cares and no thoughts of what she should have done, regrets, only that she had been blessed to make the most important choice of her life to become a Christian.

It was at that point when she said she had no regrets except to become a Christian, I thought for a moment about what would I be thinking if the Lord gave me the opportunity to stand before Him now. The only regret I would have is what I have not done for Him. How I have not spent my time with Him, how I have not studied my bible more so as to be His hands and feet effectively.

If that weren’t enough, my hubby sent me an article on whatsapp, author unknown. It is so good, it points to Heb 10:19-39, now usually I won’t paste entire pieces of scripture, I feel it’s more important to look it up ourselves and hear from God, but this article is irrelevant without this text.

Hebrews 10:19-39 New International Version (NIV)

A Call to Persevere in Faith

19 “Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27 but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28 Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29 How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30 For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[a] and again, “The Lord will judge his people.”[b] 31 It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

32 Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you endured in a great conflict full of suffering. 33 Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. 34 You suffered along with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. 35 So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

36 You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. 37 For,

“In just a little while,

he who is coming will come

and will not delay.”[c]

38 And,

“But my righteous[d] one will live by faith.

And I take no pleasure

in the one who shrinks back.”[e]

39 But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.”

I was so convicted, I have been toying with the ideas God has given me, but not taking them seriously as if they were a call from God, because I always feel as though I would never be good enough to be called by God, not qualified, not educated, not ‘appointed’ by anyone as if to say man’s appointment would mean more than God’s Himself? What was I thinking?

To top it all off yesterday morning I was listening to a prayer call I listen to at times and the woman said someone on this call is afraid of what the Lord is calling them to and God is going to give you the courage step out, to persevere and to end well, take up the mantle and run with it. She said you are waiting for the day that you feel qualified enough, educated enough, but God has called you and when He calls you He will anoint you and equip you (which is what the Lord’s been saying to me all year in Isaiah 61:1, which I didn’t believe I was worthy of the calling, people… how slow am I?). Well, that was for me, hopefully for others too, but definitely was, for me at that time. God has this year been placing in me a call to do a number of things for Him but now as I sit here, my heart is pulsing, my hands racing over the keyboard and I am feeling like there may never be enough time to do what I need to do, but my God, my consuming fire, who has consumed every thought, every emotion and every situation for so long; is calling me, I will go. For He is mighty, I will not fear, I will not look back, I will focus on Him alone and keep my eyes above the waves. My time is now and my consuming fire burning so that I need to put into action all that He is calling me to, for eternity’s sake and the lives of men and women that He loves are at stake!!! Come on! Come with me on the journey of God following, the greatest adventure of life and gift from God, we will never regret it!!

Don’t know what your calling is? Ask, He is faithful, ask the Lord, if, and when, we come with sincere, pure hearts He will answer with the true calling He designed us for. It is God’s will for us to achieve the purpose and call He has designed each of us for.

A Prayer for my beautiful South Africa

Prayer for South Africa

Our beautiful South Africa has been through an immensely turbulent time in the last few years. Many people feeling the need to protect themselves and their families have felt the need to leave South Africa and with good reason, the crime statistics read like a horror story, racism gets ugly and politics has been somewhat of a joke, not to mention the corruption as well.

Through this all, however, the Lord has never led my husband and I to move countries. There was a time of personal loss where I was quite angry and thought of leaving for the first time ever! But, God… my favourite statement in the world! But God, never really allowed that thought to grow or take actual place in my mind for longer than a week and I believe it is because of the fact that He has enormous plans for our country and each of us has an integral part to play in it, to God be the glory, Amen!

Prayer for South Africa

Now, while praying the other day, the Lord led me to Isaiah 54, when I had prayed it for myself, the Lord said now pray it for your country.

Just before I get into the prayer, something I took away from the Bloemfontein It’s Time prayer meeting of over 1million South Africans was that when South Africa said we are coming together to pray, not one person on the planet asked which god are they praying to? They already knew we were praying to the One and Only, True Living God, God Eternal, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, Immanuel, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ and the Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, three-in-one, Tri-Une God. This led me to naming our country, in my own personal prayer time – South Africa – Country after God’s own heart.

Isaiah 54 – As a prayer over South Africa

The Future Glory of Zion (South Africa – Country After God’s own heart)

“Sing, barren woman (South Africa – Country After God’s own heart) ( the Lord showed me this isn’t just a barren woman but anything that has been in some way fruitless in your life or in your life as you see it in your eyes some sort of fruitless-ness, and in many ways South Africa as a new democracy has felt they have not been living up to their full rainbow nation possibility), you who never bore a child(again, any fruit you felt you should have born by now); burst into song, shout for joy, you (South Africa – Country after God’s own heart) who were never in labour(who never brought your fruit forth); because more are the children(fruits) of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the Lord.

“Enlarge the place of your tent(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart), stretch your tent curtains wide(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart), do not hold back(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart); lengthen your cords(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart), strengthen your stakes(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart). For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart).”

“Do not be afraid (South Africa – Country after God’s own heart); you will not be put to shame(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart); you will not be humiliated(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart). You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood (A time of shame and reproach, is over)(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart). For your maker is your husband(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart) – the Lord Almighty is His name(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart) – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart); he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit (I believe this is how we feel if we think about our beloved South Africa, deserted and distressed) –  wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God. “For a brief moment I abandoned you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart), but with deep compassion I will bring you back(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart).  In a surge of anger I hid my face from you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart) for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart),” says the Lord your Redeemer.

“To me this is like the days of Noah(this is the Lord speaking), when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart), never to rebuke you again(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart). Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart).

“(You were like an) Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will rebuild you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart) with stones of turquoise, your foundations with lapis lazuli(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart). I will make your battlements of rubies (South Africa – Country after God’s own heart), your gates of sparkling jewels(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart), and all your walls of precious stones(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart). All your children will be taught by the Lord(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart), and great will be their peace(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart). In righteousness you will be established:

(hear this from the Lord South Africa)

Tyranny will be far from you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart); you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart) will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed (South Africa – Country after God’s own heart); it will not come near you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart). If anyone does attack you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart), it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart).”

“See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc; no weapon formed against you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart) will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you(South Africa – Country after God’s own heart). This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord.

I trust this prayer will resonate with your hearts as it has with mine that we will flourish and become the rainbow nation after God’s own heart that He intends for us to be, Amen! South Africa being a nation of farmers, we were desperate for the country to have rain, which we prayed for in Bloemfontein and it happened, we were desperate for the Cape to have rain but we knew if they continued in violence and gangsterism, there would be little chance, so we prayed and the Lord answered it is even still raining in the Cape, praise be to God for changing the hearts of the gangsters! But now, we are desperate for the reign of God in our hearts in order to change our nation from the inside out! Let’s stand together and pray for South Africa to become what has been prophesied for over 100 years, the nation from which International revival will come, a nation after God’s Own Heart, South Africa. It takes every one of us on our knees, let’s pray!

Ephesians 4

Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past, See I am doing a new thing!

Ephesians 4:31

So the Lord has been leading me to read Ephesians lately, and in my usual procrastinating way it took me about 3 weeks to finally read it.

While I was reading it today, I felt the Lord showing me or highlighting the part of Eph 4:31 ‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice.’

Now why would the Lord show me that? In the week He showed me another person speaking on ‘The root of bitterness’. At that time I felt the Lord tug on my heart; there is some root of bitterness I have not dealt with, in regards to my family.

Now the situation with my family is that I had multiple reasons to be angry with the life I should have had compared to how things really did turn out for me, so I’ve always thought. My family, my parents, made many mistakes leaving us as a family in very awful situations, in which, I thought I have the right to write about them. I mean, I didn’t want to shame anyone, I would write under a pen name so that no one would know who this family was or where we came from. But, the reality is, the bitterness held up in me needs to be emptied.

Ephesians 4:32

Ephesians 4:32 ‘Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.’ The antidote to the bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, and malice I have in my heart.

My thoughts of “doesn’t someone need to know what I went through… what I felt… how their lack of judgment, wisdom, or any adult thought-life ruined my life, left me in situations young people should never have been left? What should have happened, where I should have gone to school, studied and the problems I encountered in my life that could have been avoided if I’d had parents who took care of me? Don’t I have the right to tell the world about how some parents who seemingly aren’t doing the best for their families are, actually letting their children down, neglecting them, sometimes knowingly not doing their best for them? Or is this just self-pity in disguise?

Forget the former things

Well, I still can’t tell, but I now feel the Lord is leading me back to Isaiah 43:18-21

“Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.
20 The wild animals honor me,
    the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,
21     the people I formed for myself
    that they may proclaim my praise.”

So this is the 2nd time this week that get rid of bitterness has come up, only when writing it here I realised I have rage and anger at times and I guess the way I speak to my husband sometimes is brawling and at times slander is the way I speak about other people.

Wow, what a terrible revelation, I guess at times I justify myself by saying if I only get angry at home, if I only speak to my hubby unkindly at home then it’s ok, it doesn’t matter, but that means those things are harboured in my heart and shouldn’t I be cultivating my heart attitude at home with the ones who matter most?

God HELP ME! Please God HELP ME! Show me the root of the issues in my heart so I can change it and be pure in Your sight and no longer hurt my wonderful husband and cause my children to speak or hear any unkindness from me or slander about others.

Ephesians 4:29-30

Ephesians 4:29-30 ‘Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.’

God showed me that my feeling unimportant and never enough is half the reason I fight with my husband, that I actually have to get my fulfilment in Him, order to be the wife, and then… the mom, I want to be. I need to be full of You first and then I will overflow into being a woman who will be kind and compassionate forgiving, just as You forgave me, with no unwholesome talk leaving my lips – self controlled by You, which I desperately need, and only saying that which is helpful for building others up according to their needs to benefit those who listen.”

God’s Help

I ended up saying God heal me please, on the inside, I hurt so deeply, I don’t even know where it is and I’ve even denied that I hurt anymore, but, I hurt in such a way that it doesn’t feel like I hurt anymore, I hurt in such a way that I have taken it on as part of who I am. This is what I want to change Lord. Please help me be who You want me to be… holy, acceptable, pleasing and not wanting anything, being the woman of God You have called me to be.

Show me that I’m good enough, show me that I’m precious enough, show me that I’m your special one. Do Your open-heart surgery God, PLEASE, renew a right spirit in me but also a whole me, put me back together the way You made me to be. (Holy Spirit You are welcome here)

Now  in spending sometime with the Lord, allowing Him to work on my heart. I asked Him to show me some examples of how I am good enough. This may sound vain  to you, as it is certainly not something I would normally do, but I felt that given the circumstances, of not knowing I felt undervalued, this was a necessary opposite of my normal thought process. God wants us to know we are well-loved, well taken care of, well thought of by Him, Almighty God and if He can see good in us why would He not want us to see our own good in order to be the blessing someone else needs today to see Him in His full glory, Amen??

What an incredibly personal journey, ask the Lord to show you some examples of how you are good enough. You will be surprised to find that He wants to show you where you have gone right, unlike us who are so fallen, we can only think of where we and everyone else went wrong.

Trauma comes flooding back

The Lord has been saying to me “Let go of the past, forget the former things,” but then the things that have happened to me as a result of what my family’s trauma has done to me come flooding back to my mind, and the shape and effect it had on my mind and life starts to replay itself in my mind… But, God, You are telling me to let go of the thoughts, that this shouldn’t have happened, and let go of the memories of what happened. Unless I let that go, I cannot move forward to the life I want to have in You, no matter how devastating, no matter how I wish for an apology, or a re-do… that part of my life is done. Thank You Lord!

My Goal

I must give it over to You, Lord, but keep my eyes on the goal of reaching You with others like my family in-tow, we must journey together to You, I can’t hold the past against them, I must move forward towards the end goal of “Well done, my good and faithful servant” and I can’t if I don’t let it go, no matter how painful and how badly they’ve ruined my life as a result of the actions that I suffered the consequences of, I must leave them (the consequences and the people, fallen as am I) at Your feet.

Please help me do that Lord… I need You so much in this!

I pray for you, dear reader, and me, especially me, as I am the most fallen of all! I pray Lord that You would clear our minds of our past. The past mistakes we’ve had to endure as a result of other peoples choices for us and towards us, but also our own mistakes and choices that were not the best, or Your best for us. Teach us to hear Your voice, still and small, gentle and marvellous! Help us to love You and Your presence more daily. In Jesus Mighty Name Amen!

My Back was Healed

Back Ache

In another post I discussed miracles that have happened to me. Here I want to mention when my back was healed.

We were having a time of prayer and fasting and someone said, is there anyone who has back pain that needs to be healed. We were a small group of people, it was 05:30 in the morning and we came in for a special time of prayer and fasting. I thought nothing of it, really didn’t think they were speaking about me. Then I realised no one else was answering and I was wearing special shoes because of my back ache, it was so bad I couldn’t get through the day without these special shoes. I decided to swallow my pride and admit it was me. When they prayed for me I felt instant relief, but as the day went on and I was at work it started to feel much better, I couldn’t believe it!

I never went back to wearing high heels to work everyday, I never did daily, only on special occasions. Really never wore them again as much as I had as I thought that wouldn’t be wise. But my life really went back to normal, I could run, play sport, I was in no way injured anymore.

These are a few miracles that happened to me, I’d love to hear your experiences.