While I was in praise and worship at home in my spare room, the Lord transported me into the throne room of grace and there before me was again that beautiful inexplicable throne room. So beautiful and bright, the most golden yellow light you have ever seen! The light was emanating but not from up above like in the sky it was just everywhere, no one needed to tell you this was the glory of the Living God, you just knew it to be that, a sort of intrinsic knowing. This time I was not looking into the throne room from a side view as if on the side of the room (as in my first vision), I was in the room at the back approaching the throne from within the room, but not currently approaching, currently I was standing observing as if I had been moving into the room and was now soaking up all that I saw, even though the vision was cut short due to my fear and misunderstanding and probably only lasted a minute or 2. There, before me, on the throne was The Father, He was seated in the High place. There beside Him were the pots of burning fire that burnt continually day and night, an everlasting fire. There beside the Lord were beings, I didn’t look long enough to recognise them, but each was carrying out His instruction and attending to the Lord and His every request was being carried out, without it being spoken that I could hear. They just went about their tasks and you knew they were carrying out the Father’s will, undeniably, accepting that He is the Master and doing as He said. There was The Father, seated on the throne and behind Him the most beautiful board, almost like a head board behind the throne filling the room with the reflection coming from it. I was aware of it but didn’t spend time looking at it. There in-front of the throne was our dear Lord Jesus Christ, standing before The Father in His most Awesome robe, the robe of His majesty and the train of His robe filled the temple with glory indeed! It came down and along, if you can imagine a carpet coming down the middle of the room, it was flowing over that carpet and halfway down the hall. At the end of that robe was me… wow… what was I doing here? I am not worthy to be in Your temple, I am not worthy to be taken up into the Holy of Holies, what was I doing here? It couldn’t be! It was too good to be true… God… my Lord Jesus… the unmistakable Saviour of the world, couldn’t possibly want me in the same room with Him? I got scared and instead of staying to see what the Lord would say or do, I got a fright and left and continued running from the Lord, I had a feeling that He would have something wonderful for me to do, but possibly He had the wrong person, it couldn’t possibly be me? But almost exactly 10years later the Lord took me back to that place and said I want you to take hold of that robe that fills the temple with glory and as I did He transferred to me all that He had promised me in such a beautiful and restorative way, washing over me His goodness, grace, loving-kindness and mercy, but most of all His loving peace, it filled my heart never to be the same again. He is faithful to accomplish all He has promised always. Trust Him, thank Him, lean on Him.
It was a few months between my first vision and the next vision I had. I was learning about the Lord and His ways from these beautiful people, who knew how to do community better than most and we all know that can’t be taught, it can only be caught by courageous leaders living it out as an example for us. I just carried on with daily life and did everything I could to come under any and all training to draw nearer to the Lord, God, Almighty!
The next vision I remember seeing is the one I had in 2004. Our same church had decided we were going to embark on some praying and fasting and I was there most mornings as a part of this praying and fasting to pray with my community. It was a special time and brought us all together in a unique manner. While praying one morning the Lord showed me a picture, clear as day almost as if on a transparent map hanging directly in-front of me. I quite literally remember that I was pacing the room praying, as you do when in intensive prayer moments and the Lord stopped me in my tracks while pacing the room and I looked up in response. There in-front of me was the map of the world but Africa was large and the most prevalent on the map, with South Africa right in front of my face and in the middle there was a burning fire, almost like a blob of fire and the fire started in the middle and spread, first to the bottom, then back up and around, in what looked like random ways spotting all through South Africa, then up into Africa and out into the nations of the world in the most magnificent ways, spreading like a wild fire, but I knew immediately and exactly what it meant by the revelation of the Holy Spirit, and the Lord spoke to me there and then, saying, “No longer will they call Africa, deepest darkest Africa, for out of Africa and specifically, South Africa will come a revival fire that will spread throughout the whole world. It will start, (and this is the funny part because a lady prophet I once knew said the Lord always shows us in things we know nothing about) I had to ask God, when describing the vision to those around me, where in South Africa this fire had started. I could make out that it was in the middle and that it was actually close to the middle of South Africa, but you see Geography is the only subject I have actually failed a term of, at school. As I asked, the Lord immediately said Bloemfontein. Now that made perfect sense to me at the time because Bloemfontein was the place where our church held Leadership Training Times (or L.T.T’s as they were commonly known.), I said in Bloemfontein, then move down and around the country of South Africa and then out into Africa, on into other nations of Africa and then it will even jump into other continents, other countries of the world and touch and reach the other countries of the world, changing the world as the fire of revival spreads. Now the Lord told me, “No longer will they call Africa deepest darkest Africa, no longer must we call Africa, deepest darkest Africa, because the Lord has set His fire alight in Africa and the nations will be changed through what has started in Africa. The way the world sent missionaries into Africa, so now Africa will be sending the missionaries out into the world. We will no longer be calling it deepest darkest Africa, for Africa will be ignited with the power and revival fire of the living God.”
Dear reader, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I am one of the most privileged people alive in the world today. I had this vision in 2004. I had no idea that many years, a marriage and 2 children later, I would have the privilege of living the reality of this vision in attending the only 1 million strong prayer meeting in modern history, you guessed it, in Bloemfontein. And by the miraculous power of the One true Living God, no one in the world, when watching us come together to pray, not one asked to which God will they pray, they each knew instinctively the God of South Africa is the only true God! To God be the glory!
So the Lord has been leading me to read Ephesians lately, and in my usual procrastinating way it took me about 3 weeks to finally read it.
While I was reading it today, I felt the Lord showing me or highlighting the part of Eph 4:31 ‘Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander along with every form of malice.’
Now why would the Lord show me that? In the week He showed me another person speaking on ‘The root of bitterness’. At that time I felt the Lord tug on my heart; there is some root of bitterness I have not dealt with, in regards to my family.
Now the situation with my family is that I had multiple reasons to be angry with the life I should have had compared to how things really did turn out for me, so I’ve always thought. My family, my parents, made many mistakes leaving us as a family in very awful situations, in which, I thought I have the right to write about them. I mean, I didn’t want to shame anyone, I would write under a pen name so that no one would know who this family was or where we came from. But, the reality is, the bitterness held up in me needs to be emptied.
Ephesians 4:32 ‘Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.’ The antidote to the bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, and malice I have in my heart.
My thoughts of “doesn’t someone need to know what I went through… what I felt… how their lack of judgment, wisdom, or any adult thought-life ruined my life, left me in situations young people should never have been left? What should have happened, where I should have gone to school, studied and the problems I encountered in my life that could have been avoided if I’d had parents who took care of me? Don’t I have the right to tell the world about how some parents who seemingly aren’t doing the best for their families are, actually letting their children down, neglecting them, sometimes knowingly not doing their best for them? Or is this just self-pity in disguise?
Forget the former things
Well, I still can’t tell, but I now feel the Lord is leading me back to Isaiah 43:18-21
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
20 The wild animals honor me,
the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,
21 the people I formed for myself
that they may proclaim my praise.”
So this is the 2nd time this week that get rid of bitterness has come up, only when writing it here I realised I have rage and anger at times and I guess the way I speak to my husband sometimes is brawling and at times slander is the way I speak about other people.
Wow, what a terrible revelation, I guess at times I justify myself by saying if I only get angry at home, if I only speak to my hubby unkindly at home then it’s ok, it doesn’t matter, but that means those things are harboured in my heart and shouldn’t I be cultivating my heart attitude at home with the ones who matter most?
God HELP ME! Please God HELP ME! Show me the root of the issues in my heart so I can change it and be pure in Your sight and no longer hurt my wonderful husband and cause my children to speak or hear any unkindness from me or slander about others.
Ephesians 4:29-30 ‘Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.’
God showed me that my feeling unimportant and never enough is half the reason I fight with my husband, that I actually have to get my fulfilment in Him, order to be the wife, and then… the mom, I want to be. I need to be full of You first and then I will overflow into being a woman who will be kind and compassionate forgiving, just as You forgave me, with no unwholesome talk leaving my lips – self controlled by You, which I desperately need, and only saying that which is helpful for building others up according to their needs to benefit those who listen.”
I ended up saying God heal me please, on the inside, I hurt so deeply, I don’t even know where it is and I’ve even denied that I hurt anymore, but, I hurt in such a way that it doesn’t feel like I hurt anymore, I hurt in such a way that I have taken it on as part of who I am. This is what I want to change Lord. Please help me be who You want me to be… holy, acceptable, pleasing and not wanting anything, being the woman of God You have called me to be.
Show me that I’m good enough, show me that I’m precious enough, show me that I’m your special one. Do Your open-heart surgery God, PLEASE, renew a right spirit in me but also a whole me, put me back together the way You made me to be. (Holy Spirit You are welcome here)
Now in spending sometime with the Lord, allowing Him to work on my heart. I asked Him to show me some examples of how I am good enough. This may sound vain to you, as it is certainly not something I would normally do, but I felt that given the circumstances, of not knowing I felt undervalued, this was a necessary opposite of my normal thought process. God wants us to know we are well-loved, well taken care of, well thought of by Him, Almighty God and if He can see good in us why would He not want us to see our own good in order to be the blessing someone else needs today to see Him in His full glory, Amen??
What an incredibly personal journey, ask the Lord to show you some examples of how you are good enough. You will be surprised to find that He wants to show you where you have gone right, unlike us who are so fallen, we can only think of where we and everyone else went wrong.
Trauma comes flooding back
The Lord has been saying to me “Let go of the past, forget the former things,” but then the things that have happened to me as a result of what my family’s trauma has done to me come flooding back to my mind, and the shape and effect it had on my mind and life starts to replay itself in my mind… But, God, You are telling me to let go of the thoughts, that this shouldn’t have happened, and let go of the memories of what happened. Unless I let that go, I cannot move forward to the life I want to have in You, no matter how devastating, no matter how I wish for an apology, or a re-do… that part of my life is done. Thank You Lord!
I must give it over to You, Lord, but keep my eyes on the goal of reaching You with others like my family in-tow, we must journey together to You, I can’t hold the past against them, I must move forward towards the end goal of “Well done, my good and faithful servant” and I can’t if I don’t let it go, no matter how painful and how badly they’ve ruined my life as a result of the actions that I suffered the consequences of, I must leave them (the consequences and the people, fallen as am I) at Your feet.
Please help me do that Lord… I need You so much in this!
I pray for you, dear reader, and me, especially me, as I am the most fallen of all! I pray Lord that You would clear our minds of our past. The past mistakes we’ve had to endure as a result of other peoples choices for us and towards us, but also our own mistakes and choices that were not the best, or Your best for us. Teach us to hear Your voice, still and small, gentle and marvellous! Help us to love You and Your presence more daily. In Jesus Mighty Name Amen!
The spiritual goals I had set out for myself at the beginning of the year were really simple, almost… trivial goals. In comparison, the year the Lord had planned for me was much greater. You might remember them from my initial post on the year and the goals I had. The aim was to be more in tune with the Lord, more in tune with my relationship with the Lord and the purpose for which Jesus created me.
The year the Lord had planned for me was much greater
than anything I could ever have imagined. If you ask me, setting aside every agenda I ever had as far as growing spiritually and focusing my life on the Lord and all He wants from me was the best thing I could ever have done. Not entirely sure why I’m saying that as though it was something that would surprise myself or you? I guess you could say that is almost what I expected, just on a much larger, greater scale.
The Lord spoke to me and reminded me of how He has personally touched me at times when I went to ladies meetings and no one physically came to pray for me but the Lord personally ministered to me. Then a few hours later my husband, God bless his soul, came and said to me you need to have a ladies tea. I told him what had gone through my mind earlier that day and realised it was the Lord speaking to us.
Great personal loss in our community
In our immediate community we had suddenly experienced a great deal of loss. Many parents and children had been tragically lost within the space of approximately 18 months and our community was left reeling. Parents and children alike were feeling insecure, unsure and the minute anyone became ill or admitted to hospital there was an almost unspoken panic.
In this tragic time, a parent lost his life and I was personally acquainted with his wife. After this tragedy I was privileged to be on the team hosting a ladies tea in the community where we were able to minister to the ladies hearts concerning loss.
This is one of the most amazing privileges and most humbling experiences of my life. I am awe stricken when I think about the way this whole picture played out. From conception to realisation it took 3 weeks to put this tea together in a place, where, if it had not been the Lord’s doing or timing, we would not have even been able to see the people in charge of the community within that time frame, let alone arrange and accomplish all of this in His time.
All the glory and honour to God Almighty who is able to do exceedingly abundantly more than we can ever ask or imagine!
I have the privilege of praying with my friend who is a phenomenal prayer warrior with the most awesome authority given to her by God and together we have prayed our community through this time of grieving and loss, we have had revelations of what to pray for and who, through the Lord’s leading and timing of everyday events making it clear to us what all the different issues are in our community to intercede for.
The Next 6 months
Promise of the next 6 months is also nothing short of amazing. I will keep updating here, but I will not go into detail as yet in case of any undoing of our plans. The Lord knows them and has them in His hands.
You start with a plan,
maybe not perfect, but hey, it’s a plan. It’s somewhere to start and gives you a direction in which you are heading. But does the perfect day actually exist?
The last 2 days have been so off the charts I thought how could I actually think I can plan what’s in a day? I start out with a perfect picture of how I’m going to drop off the kids, never works out that way only very few days I don’t loose my cool somehow. I told my daughter at least 3 times today to bring or pack or don’t forget the hockey bag… get to school unpack bags.. not there, no hockey bag. Need I say more? I said well short of carrying it out for you, there’s not much more that I can do to help you. Needless to say, there was some conflict talk from my daughter’s side.
I felt really awful because today, as well as that, today was the second of our coldest days we’ve had so far this year. In having to get out the house and drive to school and my daughter, who never moans, is always happy and content and just a pleasure to be with and around as a person any time of the day and night, she, starts to moan and complain and doesn’t find a way to console herself while I’m trying to drive and put up with the everyday chatterbox my boy is, the early morning traffic and we are late for school because of the cold everyone was slow and tired and late to wake up. I became irritated and impatient with my daughter because nothing was consoling her, she kept saying almost crying, she’s cold and I’m more interested in getting them to school on time.
Sad to say, only when it was too late and they were already at school, I stopped to think. When I really got to thinking, I realised how wrong I was. Here’s a little lady who never moans or complains who is always content and easy to please and she’s having a bad day. Instead of getting behind her and lovingly encouraging her I became frustrated and impatient. You know, we don’t know how much time we have with our little angels, let’s worry less about time and what we will look like in front of others and more about the importance of our relationships with our closest and dearest.
I think this afternoon when I see her my conversation will be something along these lines. My little daughter, I was wrong and I’m sorry for my impatience. Please forgive me for the hurt that I could have caused you and that I could have given you encouragement when all I did was be impatient. I love you more than words can say! Does the perfect day actually exist? It absolutely could if I am more patient, spend more time in submission to the Lord, listening to how Jesus says I should treat, speak to, interact with and love my wonderful family, not the way today worked out.
Please pray for me that I will live this way daily.
Does the perfect day actually exist?
In my opinion, part and parcel of the perfect day is allowing space for our loved ones to be themselves and assist and comfort them when necessary, allowing them to be human beings with needs and requirements of their own. The perfect day is one that turns out with relationships and hearts intact over and above being on time and looking good.