One leg on the wrong side of the fence?

Ever feel like something’s weighing you down?

Hi there!

So this week I felt like maybe I am living with one half of me, the heaviest part of me (even though it should be equally weighted, but somehow, it seems heavier), on the wrong side of the fence.

As I was praying the Lord showed me a person, it was a silhouette of a man sitting on the wall with one leg on either side of it. One side of the wall, was not necessarily dark, but darker almost as if in the shadow of the other side of the wall, but not entirely. I could see the person as if on  a journey with their back towards me, moving in the opposite direction. Strangely they were trying to move in that direction but he was seated on the wall. While moving in the opposite direction one side of his body kept pulling him almost off the wall as if that side was weighted down and the other side was easier to move and carry along the wall.

As I kept looking, the Lord said to me that side needs to be seared off. As it says in the word if your eye causes you to sin, you should gouge it out. (Mat 18:9) Now this may seem a little harsh, we don’t speak like that nowadays. But let’s just imagine for a moment that the person is the head of a homegroup, a bible study or children’s church and whatever is weighing them down causes them eventually to fall off that wall and into whatever sin they keep dallying with? What becomes of the people they have been leading. Now, before you write this off, let’s think about who we are leading in our personal lives. You may be a mother or father, maybe you don’t have kids but the people at work are watching you because they’ve seen that e-mail with the Lord’s name that comes daily or a calendar or mousepad with a bible verse. They can see there’s something different about you and then one day you fall into the major temptation you have been dallying with slightly and give in completely. Your entire testimony for Christ shattered. Will He forgive you, always, without a doubt, but you will loose all the inheritance you have been saving up in His Kingdom your entire life.

If you were that leader, you will loose all the honour and respect of the people you have been so closely working with all this time. I bet if we asked any leader who has had a temptation crush their lives they would rather have heeded this warning, if your eye causes you to stumble gouge it out, than have lost everything due to the one eye weighing them off that wall.

Come on guys, we all have it, that little temptation that’s nothing major at all, but if we allow it to grow, if we allow it to go unchecked, it has the potential to knock us entirely off our walk with the Lord.

What’s mine, I love my creature comforts, I love sleeping, indulge myself with good food and a lot of extra lazy time. There’s a lot I should be doing but I put it off, I pretend it’s not important and not a job for right now. Is this a major sin, probably not for anyone else, but for me, this started to take away from quality and ability of life for myself and my family. I lived behind, I don’t know how to do this and believed it until I prayed and asked the Lord to help me overcome this and He has given me practical ideas and tips of what to do. This is one of the reasons we have lived in a crowded, chaotic and hoarder type house until now. Fortunately, by the grace of God, He has been spurring me on in this department and I have been working on it. Still needs a lot of work!!

How did I find my blindspot, after all, it’s a blindspot?

Ask the Lord. Be honest with yourself and the Lord. Pray, ask God to show you where you have any places of temptation that you may even be blind to. He has so much for you and living with a blindspot will keep you going round your mountain. Ask, He is faithful to show you gently as you are able to deal with them, one by one, releasing you into freedom!! Where we all want to be!

I had to be honest. Say Lord I don’t like to be told I am lazy, I am not living up to my role as a good mother, keeping a clean, organised house. My house wasn’t dirty, but, definitely not what it could be as far as organised and the sanctuary you want for your family. I had to be honest and ask people, how do I accomplish minor tasks that everyone else does everyday. I had to admit, I don’t know how to do this, I don’t have the skills to run a home. But the minute I became transparent and asked the Lord to show me my blindspot, which was my laziness, things started to change, because I never believed I was lazy and always thought I was hardworking. When I admitted that, I could start dealing with the rest.

Getting help was partly accountability, partly learning the skills. The minute I started asking key people in my life to help me, come in and show me what and how to do the minor things most people learn while they are children, it all started to turn around. Do I live in a neat and uncluttered organised home, not quite yet, but definitely on our way to much more stability than we’ve ever had before! By the grace of God! Slowly, day by day, small daily disciplines to keep routine, order and life is looking more stable.

Prayer is the final, continual step. Praying that the Lord would help me. Keep me accountable, honest with myself. Praying that the Lord would sear off all connection I had with that selfish, lazy, old nature in order for me to live free! Almost checking off daily, how did I do today? Asking the Lord to help me for this day, thanking Him and asking Him to help me for the next day or week or month. I need to ask daily, I probably fall off my wall daily, it’s nicer to read or write than cook and clean, but prayer… but God… now I know, it’s nicer to read or write in a clean, ordered home with God leading me on to His grace!
Trust this helps you, I have been working on it for sometime now and I, as always and all of us, am a work in progress. By the grace of God I am alive, by the grace of God I grow daily.

Extra verses Matthew 6:22-23

Let me know if this has helped you, no really, get in touch, love to hear if we are connecting on the same level?

Forgiveness Part (2)

14th Wedding Anniversary!

So this year, with the testimony and privilege of celebrating my 14th wedding anniversary, I can safely say that I’ve been on the track of wholeheartedly serving the Lord for approximately 15years now. This having been said, I heard the Lord say to me this morning that I’ve been so broken and full of hurt, pain and unforgiveness that I was not even aware of, that I have been incapable of fully receiving His Love.

This statement completely flawed me, as I have on many occassions been slain in the absolute Love of our generous Father, but with the Lord showing me through 3 different friends and relatives that I have unforgiveness that needs to be dealt with, I spent time with Him on this issue, fasting and praying and He has been at work again!

The way I fast and pray, which works for me(after a bit of trial and error, over a few years) this is not strictly following a certain biblical way of fasting, but I feel more a relational way…

My 5 steps to fasting relationally…

  1. I ask the Lord what to fast about, in this instance, the fasting topic was brought to my attention first, most of the time my fasting has been as a response to what the Lord has shown me needs attention. There are other times I fast, for instance, on a weekly basis for my family which is a certain day and time weekly, when I ask the Lord what to fast about this week and He responds to me and tells me the topic of this week’s fast for that set time.
  2. Once I know the topic, I ask the Lord how long to fast for? Is it a day, an hour, a week, but the Lord is gracious and generous. I used to be able to do 30day fasts when you only eat something small in the evening after sunset etc, but, now that I have a whole family to look after I can’t seem to manage those fasts and be a blessing to my family, while not eating… go figure!
  3. I ask the Lord what to fast, or what type of fast to have? Certain things in my menu have been important to me at certain times of my life. At this stage of my life I’ve given up my evening cuppa along with meat for 3weeks… this takes it’s toll, not really recommended unless you see your doc first especially for ladies! When I was younger T.V. played a major role of 2 or so hours in my life and I would give that up to fast and pray at that time.
  4. I don’t know if it’s considered theologically correct, or not, but, then I start to pray, just in tongues, ask God to open my eyes to see what He sees in the situation and what to pray for and how. Then I continue my days as usual, I fast at the times I would have had the coffee or meat I say to the Lord, ‘Lord, God, I am fasting and giving this up to you and praying as we discussed , please would You release this to me or free this one from that or whatever the request is.
  5. As with all things the Lord is faithful in all He does! He reveals and answers  the prayers as we ask Him and trust Him. There are times, as with this time of fasting for unforgiveness for me, that it is necessary to ask someone in a position of leadership, revelation or having experience in the same area to pray with you through, for, or into breakthrough for that issue. Trust the Lord to show you the right person for that, don’t just take the first person that comes to mind, you could get hurt, wait on Him.

Then anytime you’re alone get into the Presence of God, housework is my most dangerous time. I spend hours worshipping, crying, singing, dancing and breakthrough comes in the most magnificent manner…

All Glory to God as He does His infamous open-heart surgery without even needing to delve into the details, He works, He removes, He re-inserts His Love, His beliefs of how He sees us, made us and what He has for us; His paradigms for us to be whole, as He intended us to be, healed and returned to Him to accomplish His dreams He placed within us since the beginning of time to establish all He called us to!

Thank You Lord, in Jesus Mighty Name have Your way in our lives!

Let me know if this has helped you or some tips on how you fast, love to hear from you!

God bless, love

As

Forgiveness Part (1)

God is good... all the time!

As I lay all at Your feet I hear You say, is the cross enough? Is the suffering I endured enough to take away what you have endured? Is it enough that I broke eternal perfection to bring down one of the perfection of the Godhead, to be entirely man and entirely God, with no sin in Him so that you, each and everyone of you, will have an advocate and friend seated in Heavenly places? So that when you hit rock bottom of whatever place mentally, physically, spiritually you find yourself in today, you will know without that shadow of doubt I am here, with you in this place you are never alone. I am there, standing beside my Father, calling out for you, calling out to you, saying you can do this, we can get there, I have also been there, that is how I know you and me together we can lift this cross, carry this burden and set you free, because I already carried you there 2019years ago! Is it enough that I walked the earth during some of the most difficult times to empathise with your needs, temptations and desires? Is it enough that I lived, was born and died an adopted Son of a carpenter?

But what am I to you? Who do you say I am? Am I, or do you know me, as a friend, closer than a brother or lover? Do you know me as a wonderful counsellor? Do you know me as your heavenly Father? Do you know me as God the only Potentate and what does that mean for you?

I can tell you who I know Him to be, if you’re interested? My experience of Father God, Holy Spirit and tender-loving Jesus Christ.

I know Him as my Father, so intricately woven into the very fabric of my being He has done open-heart surgery to my heart, removing, cleaning out hurt, damage and self-destruction I never even knew was there but His hand, more gentle and tender than any surgeon could ever mustre.

I know Him as my Father who loves me so much He keeps me safe in my darkest moments, whether of the mind or decisions that  could have been detrimental. He has kept my head and life above water on many occassions, at times when I was far from Him I can see, as I look back, His Almighty hand carrying me through, often in potential physical harm too!

I know Him, since I was 8years old, as my Comforter, Counsellor and gentle, tender Holy Spirit who has led me faithfully my entire life, even when I was far from Him, again. Him, He has always been my safety net. I can truly say Thank You Lord and Thank You for giving me praying parents who loved and appreciated me their best.

I know Him since I was born as God the Only Potentate. My mother thought she wasn’t able to have more children since she had my sister and miraculously I was born. I was born prematurely and at a very vulnerable age went home in the Zimbabwean heat of 45°C, contracted pneumonia. After days and weeks being ill my mother thought I was breathing better that’s why I had quietened down. As usual one of my favourite sayings… but God… but God knew I wasn’t and sent my dear pastor out to get something from the shop and as he passed our house the Lord said to him in Afrikaans(cause the Lord speaks all languages fluently… even though we all secretly think He speaks only ours and translates for others, come on now, we all know we do…) ‘Ietsie’s vout daar binne.'(‘Somethings wrong in there’). He came into our house, knowing my parents like son and daughter, he picked me up and said I was already blue… Now I spent my whole life trying to reconcile this story, until one day at the age of 15 Oupa Dup(as we affectionately called him) came and told me himself. That’s when I believed it for the first time. I saw that for him it was a miracle he also was in awe of the Lord for. He picked me up, and prayed, the rest is history. I’ve had many other miracles but that one always seals it for me. I knew Him at birth, intimately!

I know Him as a counsellor who moves gently, aptly across paths of lives and hearts directing people who think they have nothing to do with Him, but somewhere, a parent, friend, counsellor and often even a teacher; is praying for them and He, Almighty God, has the last word, saving people young and old from self-destructive behaviour towards His eternal life-giving relationship!

I know Him as a Father, who, when we as a couple were faced with the possibility of abortion, said absolutely not and we live the beautiful result of a full family today. Also a Father who loves, heals and restores the hearts and souls who, for whatever reason, absolutely not was not an option and abortion became a part of their story… but God has a better plan, how? Only He can say, but He always has a restoration plan in place, that’s how much He loves us…

John 3:16 ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.’ NIV

My 6 and a half hours as a stroke patient

Half a day as a critical patient

Today I’d like to tell you about my 6 and a half hours as a stroke patient. Slightly cryptic but I don’t want to give it away so bear with me, please!

Blinded while shopping with my kids

So the week went off quite normally, Monday – kids to school, me to work, kids home, homework, same on Tuesday, no problems, the week’s off to a good start, nothing unusual everyone is getting along and things are looking up at work.

Enter Wednesday, same thing, the day gets off to a relatively uneventful start and all goes well while my daughter plays her first hockey match as a goalie with the full kit; she is so excited and we are so proud of her we could burst! So, we go naturally off to the shop and get a few groceries.

As I enter the shop I’m seeing some flashes before my eyes that feel like I’ve been looking at the sun too long. I ignore it and carry on trying to push through the strange sense that it’s getting worse. It seems to clear only to come back, completely blinding my right eye.

I calmly tell my kids, ok kids, mom can’t see out of my one eye. We need 2 more things then we can pay and go to the car. My daughter the wonderful organiser that she is with an in-depth love of the Lord and leading of the Holy Spirit, at age 9, says right mom, I got this and proceeds to walk us, brother in trolley to the groceries we need and till point, then straight to the car.

I get to the car, trying to think through the strange experience and message my hubby the following words:

“Hi babe i’m readfy srignibg not able see mysight noy good n head toocopinh really difficult to see notsurewhats wrobg siiting in car for a niutehhope it gets better” As I sent the message the phone rang, naturally my hubby was disturbed, calling to see what was wrong, we were both convinced we had picked up some sort of virus as we were not feeling great all week.

I said Ok, I’ll sleep for 10minutes in the car while the kids read a book. When I woke up I could see. All I cared about was that I could see and needed to get myself and kids home urgently. Ok guys put your belts on we’re leaving. Even though I was somewhat disorientated I knew I could drive and needed to, before something else happened.

Once home my hubby organised supper, kids and everything else and I fell asleep on my bed waking up the next morning. Before I slept I messaged my friend who has a 24hour intercessory prayer group. I said please pray for me I don’t know what’s going on. They started praying then already.

My 6 and a half hours as a stroke patient

Next morning, as my hubby was unwell and had done everything the night before I took the kids to school. Meanwhile, I had had the most debilitating headache all night and felt like I was lifting lead all morning while trying to move my arms and legs. I kept telling myself even if they get to school late, at least they’re there and my hubby needs his rest. I’d go to the nurse as I definitely have some sort of bug.

School went fine and I went to the nurse, she looked very concerned, I explained my head felt like it was in a vice grip all night, subsided around 5 or 6 that morning only, even after meds. I had pain all down my right hand-side and arm, blinded in my right eye, numb all down the right side of my face and neck and pain in my chest and heavy feeling in my legs and arms.

After checking all my vitals she used the words I never thought I’d hear concerning myself… she actually said I think you’ve had some sort of stroke.

It wasn’t slow, it wasn’t slight or gradual, it was instant, the cold sweat that took over my whole body, I began to shiver and feel freezing cold and clammy all at that instant.

Then the next words that came out I think were worse. She said you are going to have to book yourself into hospital with this referral letter and she started very kindly but very factually telling me what and how and where to go and “keep the paperwork with you, don’t let them take it, you need it to give it to the doctors that need to see you…” on and on went the words, I could hear and understand them but they weren’t for me, she was telling me stuff I needed to know to tell the doctor, which i had no doubt I would remember when the time came, but it wasn’t about me, it was about another patient that was needing to go instantly into the hospital because they had had a life-threatening occurrence… that wasn’t me. I was fit, healthy and currently working on my weight issue.

God intervened

As always, in my life and the lives of those closely knitted into and related to Him, God Almighty intervened! While the nurse was talking I hurriedly sent a message to my hubby and said something like: I’ve had some sort of stroke and need to go to hospital urgently with the documentation. He, again, awesome man that he is, immediately called me to discuss the options, because as self-employed individuals, we have no medical aid.

By God’s enormous grace he has clients at the hospital and called them to arrange they see me and to have the lesser scan and not the R 10 000 scan, but that they will be able to ascertain all the issues from that one too.

Great I start driving there and message my friend with the prayer group, this is serious, it’s urgent, I need prayer, all the prayer I can get.

Then… silence. The car is silent. My mind is, in the aftermath of the enormous pain from the day before and suddenly this is when it always hits home for me, in the aftermath, after the hype after the shock… no, I was still in shock. I was a stroke patient. 39years old, relatively active all day with my kids, not eating too well, but man, not eating so badly that I could kill myself!

God, what is going on here? Lord, what are you doing here? (I’m not blaming the Lord here, I’m just trying to figure out, where is He, because I know, personally, from everything I’ve ever experienced, and man that’s a lot! He is always with me, He is always in control, He is always Sovereign, He is always good, very, very, good. This is simply my way of saying, this is happening, where are you, what are your plans, what should I do, where do You want me in all of this?) Lord, I find myself saying, Lord, I have kids, they are young, I have a lot to accomplish. Where do You want me in all of this? I am going to this hospital now, I am going alone, is there someone I should phone? Is there someone that can come with me. I am entering uncharted territory here? “No, I am with you, you are not alone.”I didn’t hear the Lords words audibly but I felt He was with me, my Lord and my Saviour, never leaves me alone, just as He has promised in His word, and I had instant peace. I was going to be ok, even if this awful thing did happen to me, here I was driving my car, with all my faculties in tact and… wait a minute, how do I know all my faculties are in tact. If I’d had a stroke, surely I wouldn’t know if all my faculties were in tact or not?  Again, I felt the Lord’s hand on my heart and mind assuring me that I would be fine.

Hospital alone

Somehow I calmly managed to drive myself very slowly to the hospital. Once there I asked my way around and found myself at a desk with very compassionate, friendly and helpful ladies, full of questions and enquiries… tears came streaming down my face with no explanation, no warning, no feeling of being overwhelmed to warn me i just sprung a leak, in the words of my father. With my documents in hand she instructed me to take a seat and she would call me if she needed me, only I must fill out the forms for the tests…. total disbelief filled my heart and mind.

I’m sure I never would have dreamt this would happen to me, but in the back of my mind I had the vision of if something drastic ever had to happen to me I would be surrounded by loving, caring, family and friends. Here I sat. There was something about it. Sobering, heart-breaking and I didn’t want to disturb my husband who already had a day of work to accomplish and now I was adding extra doctors bills to our overstretched budget.

Through tears, eyes that were already blurred from the headache and blindness from the day before, I filled out the form and somehow sent a message to my hubby that I needed him. To which he responded he was nearly there!!

Mrs King. They called. I went in. It seemed like ages between my seat and the door where the young lady stood, perhaps i was trying to delay my arrival hoping my hubby would appear, miraculously, at that moment. Cold, clinical room, strange apparatus and I’m alone… until on the machines bed I hear “close your eyes”. No, it’s not the operator, is it You Lord,? “yes, close your eyes, don’t think about anything, I am with you,”I sigh, absolute relief and peace once again, flow over my entire being, I can do this. She says we are going to do this 3 times so just keep still. The platform I am lying on rises slowly and I get slid slowly into and out of a strange circular machine which surrounds my entire head. I am aware of what is happening, but keep my eyes shut the entire time. I feel the words coming from inside my chest or is it my stomach. (This may seem cliche to some but this is my favourite Psalm of all time. Funny the first part doesn’t even enter my mind.) “Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Though art with me, Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.” Again and again these words keep coming from deep within me, they are not coming from my mind but my innermost being. I only counted 2 entries into the machine and thought I’d done something wrong as the young lady came into the room and said we’re done.

Just like that they handed me my paperwork, charged me an enormous amount of money and let me go home. No questions about what I’m going to do now, no questions of whether I have a doctor that can explain the tests to me or anything like that, just good bye and make sure you settle your bill, ma’am.

Zero Answers, Doctors for 2 days

Well, I’m stunned, by now my hubby has arrived and we’re both as stunned as the other with no explanation as to what just happened, no solutions on how to find out, nothing, now what?

I call the nurse, she can’t make head or tail of the scan only to say somethings don’t match up.

Next, I fetch my kids who would subsequently spend the entire day at the doctor waiting for some sort of answers. I see my doctor who happens to be an old army doctor so he has some hands on experience with many areas of treatment.

He examines me and eventually sits on the bed next to me and says “Don’t worry my dear, everything will be alright” You have kidney and bladder infection in both your kidneys and your bladder very badly, he says, you have an ulcer, you have chronic sinusitis and spasms all through your back, your blood pressure is higher than normal but stable and your heart is beating erratically. You are clearly under a lot of stress, but your brain is fine. I ask him to check my scan due to the abnormalities we see in the pictures, he is happy they are all minor things.

But what caused the blindness is still a concern, so he immediately books me into the eye surgeon for testing. It’s now 4pm, my kids have been with me at the doctor for 2 hours. We go to the specialist, make arrangements, make arrangements for snacks, and come back, they do a barrage of tests and say I must come back in the morning for more testing.

Once home, the eye specialist calls me to tell me that he thinks a clot too small to stop my arteries could have gone in behind my eye, he is going to test for that in the morning and if he finds it I will have to go to the cardiologist for a full workup. If not, he will send me to the neurologist for testing my eyes and why I went blind.
Longest story short, I spent the entire next day unable to see due to the drops I had to take for the testing only to find that my vision was perfect, my peripheral vision was back I had had no clot in my eye that they can see and I don’t need to see the neurologist!

God’s words to me

The next morning I woke up early to spend time with the Lord and He sent me to the following scripture:

Isaiah 43

‘When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.’

The Lord doesn’t cause these events, but I can testify that in every scarry and unpredictable event of my life He has been there and brought me through, carried me to complete healing and His Almighty hand has never left me.

Praise God, after what could have been the most debilitating experience of my life, He spared me.

 

 

What the Lord’s saying to me, when I am weak.

This is a post from earlier in the year, when I was really struggling with health issues, taking it day by day and literally moment by moment.

What the Lord’s saying to me, when I am weak.

I look at my life and feel I am weak, I am broken, I am unable to pull all the parts of my life together, I feel challenged on every level, I don’t know how to cope with things and the Lord is just saying to me rest in me, the Lord said your pieces are all resting in me, I am the glue that sticks all your pieces together, you just need to rest and be who you are, who I am making you to be and all your broken-ness comes together and becomes beautiful when you rest in me and I hold it all together. Thank you Lord that You hold it all in Your hands, thank You Lord that You have it all together. Thank You Lord.